Couchlocked Woman On Verge Of Nervous Breakdown Was Promised ‘Productive, Energetic High’ By Budtender

31-year-old nurse Ally Wolff hadn’t smoked cannabis since college, but biking past Southeast Portland’s Serra dispensary on Friday evening sparked a little nugget of curiosity in her. She decided to pop in. “We get tons of customers like Ally who haven’t smoked in a long time, or ever,” said Serra budtender Rocky Ramone. “It helps that our dispensary looks like an Apple store. I think that helps folks feel at ease.” Overwhelmed by the myriad strains, Wolff eventually settled on a gram of Purple Widow. Ramone assured her that it would yield a gentle, yet productive and energetic high, and she went home excited for the stoney evening ahead.⁣
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Forty-five minutes and two puffs later, Wolff found herself paralyzed on the edge of her couch, curled up into a ball of anxiety and stress. “The budtender bamboozled me!” she whispered, afraid that if she talked any louder it would tip off the CIA. “Oh god, am I dying? Should I go back to the clinic? Oh shit, shit shit shit, I can’t do that, the other nurses will make so much fun of me. Oh God, what if they’re talking about me right now? I bet they’re all laughing at when I farted during that surgery three years ago. Oh my god what was that sound? Oh, I got a text. I can’t look. What do I do? Oh my God, I hate this.”⁣
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The text turned out to be Wolff’s friend Claire, who wanted to hang out. Briefed on the predicament, she arrived armed with a box of thin mints, a party sized bag of Tim’s Jalapeño chips and two Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwiches. As they settled into the Fellowship Of The Ring Director’s Cut and commenced their feast, Wolff felt her anxiety slip away. She made it until the Council of Elrond before drifting off into a deep slumber.⁣
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