FEMA Deployed To Help Clean Up Crumbs From Single Nature Valley Granola Bar

Oregon was hit with one of the largest human made disasters in state history on Monday afternoon. ​​Governor Kate Brown instituted a state of emergency and activated the National Guard as officials from the Federal Emergency Management Department scrambled to mobilize rapid response teams to handle the fallout from the unprecedented disaster. ⁣
⁣
La Pine resident Casey Montoya was on a hike near Paulina Falls when she stopped for a snack break. She grabbed a Nature Valley granola bar which had become crushed up in her fanny pack and hastily unwrapped it, not realizing the destruction that would ensue.⁣
⁣
“In total, we are dealing with 34 square miles of Oats n’ Honey blanketing wilderness and residential areas alike,” FEMA regional triage director Marion Santino said, waist deep in granola at a makeshift onsite press conference late Monday night. “Our dispatched teams are working closely with state agencies to take care of what our crews have determined to be at least 400 million square tons of granola bar crumbs. I want to remind everyone that this could easily have easily been much more catastrophic, and that Ms. Montoya should consider herself lucky to have survived. If she had purchased the Costco pack, the entire state of Oregon could have wound up submerged.” ⁣
⁣
On the humanitarian aid front, World Central Kitchen founder Jose Andres led staff as they began preparing hot meals for residents displaced by the catastrophe, while FEMA erected trailers to house them.⁣
⁣
“Destruction like this boggles the mind,” lamented Santino, now up to his chest as he struggled to escape the sweetened quicksand-like crumbs. “But with the concerted and selfless efforts of thousands of emergency responders, people like Andres, and the help of the local community, we should be able to clean up the worst of this mess by mid-2023.”