Federal Agents Called Back In To Protect Fred Meyer Dumpster

An extended power outage forced the Hollywood Fred Meyer to throw out thousands of perishable food items on Tuesday. Opportunistic Portlanders showed up in an attempt to salvage whatever they could. Soon, police arrived on the scene to spoil any attempt to prevent spoilage.⁣
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“There were literally tens of probably antifa stealing food that rightfully belonged to this dumpster,” said Officer Greg Chuddler angrily. “If we just let them get away with this and let them distribute the food across the city to those in need, well, we might as well just give them the keys to the Justice Center.“⁣
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Portland Police, desperate to keep the situation from devolving into a scene of completely unfettered mutual aid, pleaded with federal agents to return to Portland in full battle regalia and patrol the parking lot until the food was safely no longer safe to eat.⁣