Portland Olympians Propel Team USA To Gold In Naked Cycling
Denny Federstein of West Linn goes balls to the walls in Tokyo
We’ve reached day 10 of the Tokyo Olympics and the world’s top athletes have begun to collect their hard-earned medals. This past weekend featured the men’s and women’s naked individual time trials and group road race events. Team USA easily swept the events, with the naked cycling talent from Portland powering the team to all four gold medals.
“Feels good to finally get the gold after so many years of training at Portland’s naked bike rides,” remarked naked cyclist Denny Federstein. “I earned this medal to help liberate us from our dependence on cars, fossil fuels and pants, and for the great people of Portland who helped me train all those years to finally get me here today.”
Clothing protocol has made quite the splash at this year’s games, and as we know from the diving events, olympic committees don’t tolerate splashes. “This year, many Olympic teams have been wearing more clothing than usual in protest of the unnecessary sexualization of athletes,” said naked cyclist Samantha Swanson. “In the naked cycling events, clothing is still optional, but we’ve discovered a competitive advantage in that cycling without clothes reduces drag, and believe it or not it also reduces chafing. Besides, we should be able to admire the beautiful forms of our athletic naked bodies without immediately thinking about sex. I mean what’s the big deal about boobs? They’re just floppy sacks of fat and glandules. Who gives a damn – let ’em fly!”
Mayor Wheeler was quick to take credit for the success of the Portland Olympians in a press conference. “It’s because I’m such a cool mayor, who embraces things like the naked bike ride, that these gold medalists had a world-class training facility. Of course, a gold medal isn’t as difficult to achieve as a summit of Mount Everest, which I did in 2001, but still – major kudos! I hope that other events that Portland athletes dominate will one day make it to the Olympics, such as roller derby, riding your fixie to the brewery, and of course competitive whining!”