Oregon Man Gets 25 To Life For Neglecting To Photograph Haystack Rock During Visit To Cannon Beach

Oregon City resident Dan Kruger’s late summer trip to Cannon Beach might be his last.⁣
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On his way into town he picked up a $19 Tsunami Burger from Pelican Brewery and headed towards the shore. He spent two blissful hours eating lunch and digging his toes into the sand, but neglected to do one vital task. He headed home, and thus his fate was sealed. Kruger didn’t take a picture of Haystack Rock and then post it to social media.⁣
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Such a despicable crime, as Oregonians know well, comes with severe penalties. “I can’t believe how absentminded I was,” Kruger sobbed after pleading guilty in his November court appearance. “I was looking at that big-ass rock all afternoon and just…just… didn’t take a picture. To all the Oregonians whom I may have hurt by committing this most heinous crime, I’m so sorry. I hope that one day you can forgive me, just as you have all forgiven the kid from Vancouver who threw the fireworks into Eagle Creek.” ⁣
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In a press release, Cannon Beach Mayor Sam Steidel didn’t mince words. “Let this a cautionary tale for all those who travel here. Actions, or lack thereof, have consequences. Haystack Rock, along with Crater Lake and Multnomah Falls forms the Triforce that holds Oregon together. You see, by upholding this holy trinity of overrated landmarks, people from California and the Midwest stay concentrated in three strategically diffused areas, allowing the rest of Oregon’s magic to be explored by locals in peace. Without this, transplants may just discover that the rest of the state is pretty gosh darned neat also, and we can’t be allowing that.“⁣