Historic, Cherished Culinary Institution Ousted From Lawless, Antifa-Led Hellhole

National plantation-to-table restaurant Cracker Barrel closed its two Portland metropolitan area locations this week, firing all their staff abruptly. While a spokesperson for the company cited a range of issues for the closures, they directed their ire at one main contributing factor.⁣
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“We did our best to bring our dynamic culinary concept to customers. Unfortunately our business, like so many others, fell victim to the major pitfalls that Portland is known for,” said Cracker Barrel Vice President Francisc Thaddeus Liggit IV. “The city is a shambolic banana republic run by thugs and that is why our restaurant’s two locations could not remain profitable. I assure you that our conservatively seasoned southern fare, plethora of rocking chairs, world class gift shop and confederate decor had nothing to do with it.”⁣
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“The only patrons I’ve ever heard of were octogenarians, midwest transplants and people going ironically,” said Tualatin resident Abhi Langlois. “That just doesn’t seem like enough business to sustain financial viability.” ⁣
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In addition to the two Portland Metro area closures, Cracker Barrel announced they are also shutting down their Bend restaurant, effective immediately. With the Hayden Island location’s closing last year, that leaves Oregon with only one restaurant in Medford.