Last week, news emerged that certain compounds found in cannabis could help fight off severe infection from COVID-19. For the US Government, this is a welcome breakthrough as strategies to fight the pandemic are wearing thin. On Tuesday morning, CDC director Rochelle Walensky announced that the federal government would award Oregon dispensary Electric Lettuce with a $500 million government contract to develop a cannabis strain specifically grown to accentuate its COVID fighting properties.
“These studies are preliminary and could turn out to be what we in the scientific community call a ‘nothing burger,’” admitted Walensky in a press conference following the announcement. “However, it is our responsibility to leave no stoner unturned. We trust the professionals at Electric Lettuce who are exemplary in their abilities to bring ‘flower to the people.’
“The science is clear.” Remarked marketing director for Electric Lettuce Chasity Roesler. “A patient takes a fat rip of that sticky-icky purp-skurp deep into their lungs, which coats your bronchioles with particles of the miracle drug THC. The THC then tells the Rona to ‘just chill bro’ causing the Rona to realize that it’s actually being hella aggro and should really stop harshing everyone’s mellow. In the final stage of treatment, the patient eats a pint of Häagen Dazs and a bag of chili cheese fritos then takes a nap, completing the cannabis therapy.”