Conservative Dog Thinks Swimming In Algae Bloom Is His Own Personal Health Choice
Last week local health officials announced that the crystal-clear water of our beautiful Willamette River had been afflicted by a “blue algae” bloom, which is toxic to dogs, but not humans. In an effort to save lives of our furry loved ones, the Oregon Health Authority recommended that pet owners keep their fuzzballs out of the water until the bloom cleared up. While this may seem like a perfectly reasonable public health response, some local dogs have barked “overreach”.
“It’s my dog-given right to be able to swim where and when I want,” remarked Sellwood lab mix, Noodles, while relieving himself on a Benson Bubbler. “Telling me I’m not allowed to swim in the river is an unconstitutional hindrance on my personal liberty, and is simply an act of radical tyranny promoted by the leftist snowflake mob of antifa cucks that this city has been overrun with! If other dogs choose to stay out of the water, that’s their choice.”
Noodles’ owner, Sheryl Meyers, has been tormented by his recent bout of vocal, far-right conservatism. “One day he’s the goodest little boy, yes he is, yes he isssss. Fetching, shaking, sitting on command, and then all of a sudden he starts reading Breitbark and he’s a whole new animal. Now he’s all ‘tell the French bulldogs to go back to their country’ and ‘there’s a government conspiracy to chop off our balls.’ It’s really wild stuff.“
Scallion science correspondent Sigfried Q. Beauregard III reported that the cyanotoxins in blue algae are powerful natural poisons that, if ingested, can cause rapid death by respiratory failure. “The science is clear,” pleaded Beauregard. “Until the algae blooms fade, it’s in your pet’s best interest to stay out of the water.”