Portlanders Return To Full Lockdown After Realizing BrewCycles Are Back
Oregon Governor Kate Brown has reinstated a mask mandate, yet Portland business leaders remained worried that the new restrictions didn’t go far enough. When the state fully opened up its economy mere weeks ago, increased capacities brought in desperately needed business for struggling restaurants and bars. But with the good came the bad – beer bike tour outfits wiped the cobwebs off of their pedal-powered vehicles and began taking their customers out on the town again. A cadre of corporate off-sites, bachelorette parties and fraternity socials descended on Portland’s neighborhood establishments and bar staff and residents were far from pleased.
“The last year has been absolutely brutal for the service industry, but I’d rather be broke with standards than have to listen to these boisterous idiots ride around drunk like they own the city,” said owner of The Standard, Celeste DeVore. “When I hear their shitty speakers start blaring Lizzo from around the corner, I make my whole staff grab brooms to shoo them away from our bar. They’re the fucking worst. Who would want to parade around town on one of those things – you can’t even drink on it! Whenever one rolls up to a bar they all disembark like they’re deplaning a private jet, but everyone who watches them shudders in horror at the atrocity that they’re participating in.”
DeVore led a group of Portland business leaders who self-imposed stringent lockdown measures on their establishments to curtail the expansion of beer bike tours. “It is unconscionable to us that we would contribute to this dark stain on our society. As bar owners and members of our community, we have a duty to protect our neighbors from their loud music and antics and to keep our customers safe.”
When asked if these strict lockdown measures might put bars out of business, Devore was defiant. “I’d rather live by the bankruptcy than die by the beer bike.”