Aw, Fuck! Friend Made Too Much Homebrew and Wants You To Take Some Home
At long last, indoor gatherings are becoming a reality for responsible Portlanders. 33-year-old social worker Candice Evans was invited to her first such get-together Tuesday evening – a dinner party with about a dozen friends. Vaxed, waxed, and ready for snacks, she showed up with a case of Pacifico and a heaping bowl of her famous guacamole. The other attendees arrived bearing their own delicious contributions. Everybody except for fucking Todd.
“Who’s ready for some homebrew! I made so fucking much.” Todd Ostertag had arrived. He walked in carrying several wooden pallets filled with brown bottles. The other attendees were well aware of their friend’s pandemic hobby – shortly after the first lockdowns began, they all received invitations to follow Todd’s Plan Brewing on social media. His friends supported him, liking his posts and offering encouraging comments. Some even helped him brew, which mostly consisted of spending hours and hours washing and sanitizing tubes and containers.
“It all seemed so distant back then,” sighed Evans, feverishly trying to locate and delete her “Can’t wait to try some!” comment. “Now he’s trying to pawn off this weirdly sugary, 11% alcohol Raspberry Cashew Imperial Stout. Sorry, but no. Especially while eating tacos, but also, just unilaterally, no. He’s clearly been drinking too much Great Notion.“
At night’s end, 33 of the 36 bottles remained in the wooden pallets. As guests started to pack up and leave, Todd held up a bottle, prominently displaying its label which he designed and printed at home. “Plenty of bottles of my famous Cashewsuf Nurkić Stout left! Take some with you! Candice – I know you wanted to try some – here, take six.“