Ted Wheeler Can’t Believe He Didn’t Think Of Fleeing To Cancun During Portland Protests

Last week, Senator Ted Cruz abandoned millions of his Texas constituents who were in desperate need of aid after a once-in-a-lifetime storm caused massive power-outages, burst pipes, boil water notices, and food supply shortages. ⁣
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Mayor Wheeler was basking in the glow of temporarily being Portland’s second-least favorite Ted when it occurred to him that he had greatly missed an opportunity last summer to pack up and leave at a time when his constituents were experiencing civil unrest. ⁣
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“I didn’t know that you could do that!” reported the mayor during a press conference. “My life would have been so much better if I had known that representatives can simply walk, or in this case fly away from their huge problems – and in a pandemic to boot! Moving forward, I know now that traveling to a tropical destination is much better than simply closing my eyes and hoping the issue goes away. Certainly much better than pepper-spraying my problems in the face. Fled Cruz – heck! I think that ‘Ted Flee-ler’ actually has a nicer ring to it.” ⁣