Trump Pardons Eagle Creek Fire Kid

Nearing the end of his one-term presidency, Donald Trump has been on a pardoning spree. Before leaving office, he is making sure to pardon those who committed crimes to protect him, like Paul Manafort and Roger Stone. Last week he gave clemency to four private security contractors who slaughtered 14 Iraqi citizens in 2007. Now he’s using his executive power to deal one more emotional blow to the good people of the Pacific Northwest by pardoning the infamous Eagle Creek Fire kid.⁣
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“The president wanted to know how we could really devastate the West Coast liberal elites,” remarked White House aide Todd Sperry. “When we told him how upset those Oregon cucks were about the 2017 Eagle Creek Fire, the president felt that he needed to do something for the hero who started it all.” Trump is reserving a medal of honor for the Kenosha shooter and concluded that a pardon is the next best thing here.⁣
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The fire began when the Vancouver teen threw lit fireworks into the woods while hiking, which ignited and ultimately destroyed approximately 50,000 acres of forest. The kid was sentenced to 1,920 hours of community service, five years of probation, and has to pay $36 million in restitution for damages. The city of Vancouver also removed his Dutch Bros. privileges, and he is no longer welcome in Portland, though legal experts note that this likely has more to do with him being from Vancouver than from the crime itself.⁣