Kate Brown: “No One Wants To Eat Your Dry-Ass Turkey Anyways

Coronavirus cases and hospitalizations have surged to unprecedented levels over the past month. With Thanksgiving right around the corner, Oregon governor Kate Brown took decisive action and implemented statewide restrictions. Reactions have been predictably mixed, and critics have been predictably vocal.⁣
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“This ‘lock-Brown’ is an infringement on my constitutional rights,” decried Clackamas County commissioner and self-proclaimed ‘Never Browner’ Tootie Smith. “I’m going to host a giant Thanksgiving at my house. If I want to lick the entire turkey before carving it, that’s my right. When I want some more gravy and it’s at the other end of the table, I’ll have my guests play a game of baby bird telephone down the table and into my plate.”⁣
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Brown addressed her haters in a press briefing Thursday morning. “My job is to do whatever it takes to keep Oregonians alive and healthy. Congress’ job is to pass a stimulus bill that allows individuals and small businesses to weather the lockdown and stay afloat. Your job is to stay home and not host another shitty Friendsgiving where you make that dry-ass turkey again. I’m doing my job. Congress isn’t. What will you do?“⁣