Halloween Partygoers Can’t Wait To Dress Up As Irresponsible Pieces Of Shit

Daily COVID-19 infections in both Oregon and the United States have hit new highs, and so has the excitement for Saturday night’s Halloween parties. As some prepare for pared down and socially distant events, others got ready to meet up en masse at frightful functions. ⁣
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“If you think for one second that I’m going to squander my chance to dress up as Joe Exotic, well then you’ve lost your goddamn mind,” Sellwood resident Camille Wagner declared. “I can’t wait to cut a rug on the dance floor, make new friends and just have an intimate good old time.” ⁣
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Irony was completely lost on 34 year old Gabe Holden of West Linn. “This ‘all hallows eve’ I’m going to a big house party as the ONLY protagonist of 2020, the big zaddy himself, Dr. Tony Fauci. I’ve been pretty good about wearing my face shield in public and not seeing my elderly family members as much, so I really earned this night to let loose, maybe play some spin the bottle and party like it’s February.“⁣
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Oregon Health Authority Director Patrick Allen warned against bucking social distancing restrictions. “My advice for Halloween is no different than my advice for any other night. Keep your events small and outside, wear your masks and wash your hands. Nobody wants to be the asshole who hosts a spookerspreader event.“⁣