Portland Boomer Unsure Which Antifa General To Vote For

Portlanders who feel frustrated by their lack of voice in the presidential election thanks to the electoral college can take solace in voting in a number of close local contests. In particular, the mayoral race appears to be a toss-up. Incumbent Ted Wheeler narrowly missed capturing a majority of votes in the May primary, and now faces a runoff against second place finisher Sarah Iannarone. Further complicating matters is an impassioned grassroots campaign for writing in prominent local activist Teressa Raiford. ⁣
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63-year-old undecided voter Frank Mortellini stared at his ballot in disbelief. “As far as I’m concerned, this is like having to choose between identical triplets. They’re all clearly antifa generals hell-bent on burning this city to the ground.“⁣
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Mortellini stays informed by watching hours of cable news and by reading misinformation disguised as journalism that his circle of boomer acquaintances share on Facebook. He weighed his options. “Well I can’t vote for Tear Gas Teddy again. He allows burning and looting and rioting to go on in the streets unabated. And then there’s Iannarone, and she just went right out and admitted to being anti-fascist in the debate! There’s no way that I, a proud American, could support someone who stands against fascism so openly. Writing in Teressa Raiford sounded interesting, but then I heard she founded Don’t Shoot PDX. That sounds suspiciously anti-police. So she’s out.“⁣
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Mortellini, who as of press time was still undecided, clarified his political ideology. “I’m not some Trump-loving nutso. I’m voting for Joe, even though I wish he wasn’t getting pulled so far to the left by some of those radicals socialists like Pete Buttigieg.