Dr. Fauci Officially Classifies Zoom Sex As Second Base

As America continues to adjust to a new socially distant normal, Dr. Anthony Fauci has provided steady guidance in largely uncharted territory. During a Monday morning press conference at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases’ headquarters, Dr. Fauci addressed a key concern at the forefront of public debate.⁣⁣
⁣
“I am here to put misinformation to rest and to deliver nothing more or less than the data-driven consensus from the scientific community,” Fauci said matter-of-factly. “Zoom sex, based on every reasonable metric, is officially second base.“⁣⁣
⁣
“So for example, you know that person you sent takeout pasta to on Saturday evening and then proceeded to stay up with all night in a passionate remote date? You can now confidently tell your friends that you hit a double. No shorter and no further.“⁣⁣
⁣
Dr. Fauci took no questions, leaving hurriedly for a meeting with commanders from the Army Corps of Engineers to discuss the dwindling national stockpile of vibrators and Fleshlights.⁣⁣