Vancouver Mother Blames Faulty Crystals After Unvaccinated Child Contracts Measles

Vancouver mother Marsha Edwards was absolutely shocked to discover her 18-month-old son Cedar contracted the measles virus over Thanksgiving weekend. “I’m so disappointed in myself,” said Edwards tearfully. “Normally I’m very diligent to purchase genuine healing crystals, but I think in this case I may have purchased fakes. These ones were just so much cheaper, and they had guaranteed next day Prime delivery.“⁣⁣⁣⁣
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Vancouver has been a hotbed for measles with over 75 cases in 2019 alone. Many blame the recent uptick in reported cases on the anti-vaccination movement, which spreads debunked propaganda that claims vaccinations cause autism. Area anti-vax advocate Willow Honeycrisp didn’t mince words when she found out what happened. “My dear friend Marsha doesn’t deserve this, and neither does sweet, sweet, unvaccinated Cedar. Selling faux crystals is doing damage to the good people of Vancouver who are experiencing the worst Measles outbreak since the disease magically went away in 1963.” ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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Our senior pseudoscience correspondent Sigfried Q. Beauregard III put together some tips for spotting fake crystals:⁣⁣⁣⁣
1️⃣Always ask the seller if the crystal is fake. Under the laws of the universe the seller must tell you the truth. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
2️⃣Hold your hand over the crystal and make sure that you can feel the energy charges going through you.⁣⁣⁣⁣
3️⃣Put the crystal in your mouth and bite down. If it feels at all soft it’s likely made from a polyurethane and therefore is not genuine.⁣⁣⁣⁣
4️⃣Finally, studies show that in order to maximize the effectiveness of anti-virus crystals, it’s best to also fully vaccinate your children. Not doing so prevents the crystals from reaching their full potential, and thus makes you an irresponsible chakra practitioner.⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣