Portland Mercury In Retrograde

An unmistakable sense of foreboding is palpable in the Rose City as temperatures continue to drop and the sky turns to inky blackness right as Portlanders finish their work day. Our position on earth relative to the sun explains much of this, but a Scallion investigation has uncovered a far more alarming phenomenon: Portland Mercury is currently in retrograde.
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“If you’ve experienced an inexplicable woe recently – perhaps a flat tire on a road free of glass and nails, a delayed flight despite clear skies, or a local news organization copying your content without attribution – don’t blame mere happenstance or bad luck,” explained our chief astrology correspondent Sigfried Q. Beauregard III, who led the investigation. “No, Portland Mercury is in retrograde, but luckily there’s an easy solution. Just take the newspaper, and deposit it directly into your recycling bin. Better yet, shred it and incorporate it into your compost bin to improve its carbon/nitrogen ratio. This practice has shown to slow, or even negate the effects of retrograde.”