Politics
“Antifa General Captured,” Declares Kristi Noem, As Seven Federal Troops Tackle Unipiper
It remains unclear what a unicycle riding, bagpipe playing, beloved Portland icon had to do with anything related to protests over immigration enforcement operations.
Multnomah Falls Turned Off Due To Government Shutdown
The federal government funds the water bill that keeps the beautiful Multnomah Falls flowing. This means that until congress can pass their budget, the spigot for the falls will be turned off.
“It’s Worse Than We Could Have Imagined,” Exclaims Troop Trying Voodoo Doughnut
National Guard members have been busy interrogating baristas at ethically sourced coffee shops, patrolling tree-lined streets for antifa, and eliminating threats at the war torn Pittock Mansion. One such threat at a tourist hotspot surprised even the most battle hardened of soldiers.
National Guard Troops Raid Antifa Supply Depot
Over the weekend, a battalion of uniformed soldiers reported locating a key antifa supply depot selling organic produce, hot sauce, and other insurgency essentials.
Portland Launches Preemptive Strike On Vancouver Fluoride Processing Plants
Residents of Vancouver, Washington awoke this morning to a series of thunderous booms.
“Antifa General Captured,” Declares Kristi Noem, As Seven Federal Troops Tackle Unipiper
It remains unclear what a unicycle riding, bagpipe playing, beloved Portland icon had to do with anything related to protests over immigration enforcement operations.
Multnomah Falls Turned Off Due To Government Shutdown
The federal government funds the water bill that keeps the beautiful Multnomah Falls flowing. This means that until congress can pass their budget, the spigot for the falls will be turned off.
“It’s Worse Than We Could Have Imagined,” Exclaims Troop Trying Voodoo Doughnut
National Guard members have been busy interrogating baristas at ethically sourced coffee shops, patrolling tree-lined streets for antifa, and eliminating threats at the war torn Pittock Mansion. One such threat at a tourist hotspot surprised even the most battle hardened of soldiers.
National Guard Troops Raid Antifa Supply Depot
Over the weekend, a battalion of uniformed soldiers reported locating a key antifa supply depot selling organic produce, hot sauce, and other insurgency essentials.
Portland Launches Preemptive Strike On Vancouver Fluoride Processing Plants
Residents of Vancouver, Washington awoke this morning to a series of thunderous booms.
Governor Kotek Renames Columbia River To ‘River Of Oregon’
At press time Kotek, as part of her “Oregon First” agenda, had successfully lobbied Google to change the name in their Maps app by threatening to levy huge tariffs on their data center in The Dalles, located deep in the River of Oregon Gorge.
Sam Adams Confident Gaetz Withdrawal Must Mean He Must Be Next In Line For Attorney General
Following the news, Portland’s own disgraced former mayor Sam Adams’ team quickly sprung into action.
Anticipating Backlash, Mayor-Elect Changes Name To Keith Ida B. Wells
In a surprise first act, the mayor-elect took swift and drastic action to mitigate potential backlash to his name.
Carmen Rubio Vows To Defund Parking Police If Elected Mayor
She also favors a citizens review board for parking police and an examination on restorative parking justice.
“I Fucked My Way To The Top!” – Ted Wheeler Reflects On His Two Terms As Mayor Of Portland
Outgoing Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler’s career in politics started when he finished 11th out of a field of 12 candidates in a 1993 Boston City Council election.
Rene Gonzalez Pledges To Balance Budget Through Massive Property Tax On Homeless Camps
“Our tax dollars support public parks and spaces, and if elected I would brilliantly also collect taxes from the people temporarily living in them."
Alitos Praise Oaks Park For Hanging Riders Upside Down
28 riders were stranded 50 feet in the air, suspended upside down for over a half hour until first responders were able to lower them down