“It’s Worse Than We Could Have Imagined,” Exclaims Troop Trying Voodoo Doughnut

National Guard members have been busy interrogating baristas at ethically sourced coffee shops, patrolling tree-lined streets for antifa, and eliminating threats at the war torn Pittock Mansion. One such threat at a tourist hotspot surprised even the most battle hardened of soldiers.

“Top brass warned us about the horrors of this city, the people standing up for humanity, the Subarus, and the fact that everything is on fire all the time, but nothing prepared me for what I what was waiting for us in the pink box,” said Staff Sergeant Horatio Peanuckle.

“They said it would be bad, but it was worse than I could have possibly imagined. The line was long, the names were clever and the designs were outlandish. After taking a cute photo for the ‘Gram, I tucked in and bit into one of the stalest, blandest, most mediocre donuts on planet earth. Truly the stuff of horrors. This is a wretched city, with heinous inhabitants and even worse confections. I fear what awaits me at my next post of duty – reconnaissance at the ominous Casa Diablo, but I made a promise to execute my mission with honor.”