National Guard Troops Raid Antifa Supply Depot

On Sunday, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth mobilized 200 members of the Oregon National Guard into service in Portland for 60 days. The soldiers were ordered to conduct what Hegseth called, “military operations to infiltrate, annihilate and storm enemy supply lines.” When asked who he was referring to by “they,” the secretary responded, “illegals, antifa, the left, sanctuary city supporters, and everyone else that helped turn the city into the lawless hellscape it’s become.”

Over the weekend, a battalion of uniformed soldiers followed through, conducting reconnaissance missions in the Portland State University region. They reported locating a key antifa supply depot selling organic produce, hot sauce, and other insurgency essentials. Scallion journalists on the ground documented guards interacting with various vendors and patrons, sampling lavender honey, dancing to a bongo performance, and learning about which native plants can turn their front yards into certified bee habitats.

“Our leaders told us to prepare for battle, so we put on full combat regalia and were ready to use lethal force if necessary to enforce the law,” said National Guard member Montana Stugot. “ In the end, the only thing we found to be criminal were the Kombucha prices.”