TSA Instructs Travelers To Remove Their Headphones, Experience This Beautiful Moment

Created in the wake of 9/11, the Transportation Security Administration has frustrated travelers for decades with their scans, inspections, and seemingly arbitrary rules. Despite their tedious processes and mountains of funding, the agency is highly ineffective at catching contraband.

This summer, the organization is turning over a new leaf, focusing on wellness, holistic security, and healing. “We encourage our weary travelers to relish in the zen that is the TSA screening process,” said Vice President of Operations, Ja’mie Gregson. “Leave your shoes on or take them off if you’d be more comfortable on our filthy carpet. As the radiation of the body scanner washes over your body, let it remove all of your stress and trauma and replace it with a flowing river of tranquility. Pulled aside for advanced screening? More like given the gift of advanced relaxation. Feel the soothing pitter patter of our moderately trained staff on your naughty bits. The next time travelers find themselves at one of our airports, we encourage them to remove their headphones and experience this beautiful moment.”