Portland Launches Preemptive Strike On Vancouver Fluoride Processing Plants

Residents of Vancouver, Washington awoke this morning to a series of thunderous booms as plumes of smoke billowed from the sites of three of the city’s fluoride enrichment plants. A spokesperson for the Portland Department of Defense verified that four F-35 fighter jets supported by a fleet of twelve elite dragon boats were responsible for the strike.

“Vancouver was days away from enriching enough fluoride to infiltrate our water supply,” said Portland Deputy Commander Foreign Vancouver Relations, Sullivan Gregson. “Through our precise targeting techniques, our elite equipment and unmatched sneakiness, we were able to set back the Vancouver fluoride program by anywhere from six months to two years. Thanks to our brave folks in uniform, the immediate danger of Portlanders’ improved dental health has been neutralized.”

The Ayatollah of Vancouver issued the following statement: “This unprovoked attack has rocked our city to the core. Our development of weapons of plaque destruction have nothing to do with Portland. We have no plans to do anything to their water supply. Even if we did somehow add fluoride it would only strengthen their teeth. Did our brothers and sisters across the Columbia really fall for wellness grifter anti-fluoride propaganda? They must be watching too much FOX 12 news. In any case, we’ve got casualties and buildings seriously damaged. This aggression will not go unpunished.”

Clark County officials were aghast at the act of hostility from their neighbors to the south. At press time they were moving to protect key fluoride, C-TRAN and sales tax infrastructure from any further bombardment.