Mayor Wilson Soft On Crime? Strawberry Theft At An All Time High!

Portland is experiencing an intense crime wave, as theft and property damage impacts citizens all over the city. From the Sylvan Hills to Swan Island, gardeners are peeved to find that their sweet, juicy strawberries are no longer on the patches that they were growing on. City officials estimate that as many as 80% of the municipal crop of home-grown strawberries will be stolen, damaged or otherwise compromised by the paws and teeth of local squirrels.⁣
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“This year I really locked in. I built raised beds, fertilized, did everything by the book,” declared Sellwood backyard garden enthusiast Dikembe Pollack. “My family had so much fun watching our strawberry plants expand and start to develop fruit. And then the fruit would get snatched by a damn squirrel. There aren’t just empty spots in our patches – there are empty spots in our hearts. Not only do those greedy little bastards snatch up all our berries, but they also dig up the roots of our dahlias. There’s nothing for them to even eat there, those little nihilists just want to watch the world burn, and/or find a spot to bury their nuts. Mayor Wilson, what are you doing to address this?”⁣
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“We are aware of the scourge of the pesky bushy tailed rodent impacting our citizens and their tasty berries,” said Portland Police Department Sergeant Sally Balaqua. “Our department would love to go after this crime ring and return some of the stolen property but unfortunately we are being hamstrung by City Hall. Our puny few hundred million dollar budget is unfortunately not allowing us the resources necessary to solve this or many other crimes. With the proposed $1.9 million in cuts to funding we didn’t even ask for, this crime spree will unfortunately get worse.” ⁣
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Whether a squirrel robbed your garden blind, or you lost the will to grow entirely, a pint of Hood strawberries are available at local New Seasons Markets for $38 a pint.