Ladds 500 Winner Implicated In Doping Scandal

The annual Ladd’s 500 took place on Saturday in Southeast Portland. Relay teams wore costumes and hopped on bikes, pogo sticks, rollerblades and other human-powered contraptions as they raced to circumnavigate Ladd Circle Park 500 times. This year’s winner was engulfed in scandal however, as the official L500 anti-doping agency reported that their blood report came back dirty. ⁣
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“That’s just not cool,” said Scruffy Colorado from atop her five seat penny-farthing. “The Ladd’s 500 is about whimsy, community, respect and light-hearted mischief. There’s no place for an elaborate web of steroids, blood doping and shady Spanish doctor Eufemiano Fuente. We’re just here to have some brews, giggle, be in community and ride counterclockwise. Yeah sure, we could all ride faster and break away from the peloton, but this event isn’t about that.” ⁣
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Event organizers were unable to comment on the ongoing doping investigation, but did assure the press that the matter was being taken very seriously. Any participant found to have consumed performance-enhancing drugs other than the fun ones would be stripped of their accolades and suspended from the next 10 Pedalpaloozas.