Hurricane Santacon Upgraded To Category 4 As Old Town Braces For Impact

Local meteorologists are sounding the alarm bells, issuing an emergency severe weather warning for downtown Portland. ⁣
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“Hurricanes are more commonly seen in the gulf and tropics, but beginning this afternoon, Portland bar staff will want to hunker down and brace for impact,” warned a visibly panicked National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration spokesman Paris Jilbro. “Hurricane Santacon will reach severe capacity, depositing thousands of drunk twenty and thirty-somethings dressed as Santa.“⁣
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“The storm is predicted to reach Category 4 within hours, meaning bars will have to clean up four broken glasses and unclog four toilets per attendee. It also means that DJs will be sloppily asked by each Santa to play Chappell Roan four times.“⁣
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Hurricane Santacon is predicted to touch down outside Voodoo Doughnuts imminently. Local officials recommend having a week’s supply of bottled water, Zyns, Advil and Liquid IV.