“I Fucked My Way To The Top!” – Ted Wheeler Reflects On His Two Terms As Mayor Of Portland

Outgoing Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler’s career in politics started when he finished 11th out of a field of 12 candidates in a 1993 Boston City Council election. A registered republican until 2001, the heir to a timber fortune’s political career crescendoed in 2016 when he was elected mayor of Portland. In 2020, he became the first Portland mayor since 2000 to be reelected. ⁣
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Critics attribute his political success to his family wealth, while proponents point to his shrewd political knowhow. When reached for comment, the man himself offered a different opinion. “I fucked my way to the top!” ⁣
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He went on enthusiastically, “When I was first starting out, I was green to the workings of political systems and representative democracy on the municipal level. At first I failed. Then I had an epiphany: I just started fucking. Clerks, treasurers, school board members, community leaders, ombudsmen, I was making sweet, tender, delicious love to all of them.” Wheeler noted that unlike some former mayors, all participants were legal consenting adults. ⁣
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“I just fucked and fucked and fucked and fucked some more. The more I fucked, the more doors started to open. I fucked so much that when incumbent Oregon State Treasurer Ben Westlund died of lung cancer in 2010, Governor Ted Kulongoski had no choice to fill the vacant position with me, just as so many holes had been filled by me in the aforementioned fucking.“⁣
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Wheeler went on, “When I ran for my second mayoral term in 2020, everyone in the city was calling me ‘Teargas Teddy’ and I thought that my luck had come to an end. But then I remembered my creed and started sucking and fucking and what do you know? Endorsements from the Portland Business Alliance, labor unions, and conservationist groups quickly followed, propelling me to another victory.“⁣
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The mayor is not seeking reelection for a third term, but does leave a legacy to look back on both politically and personally. He asserted that his proudest accomplishment will always be summiting Mount Everest in 2002. When asked how he was able to climb the tallest mountain in the world, he smirked and said, “By now you should know how Teddy gets to the top.”