Plume Of Spelt Flour Emerges From Red Mill, Signaling Election Of New Bob

This past February, the world lost one of its brightest shining stars when 94-year-old Bob Moore, founder of Bob’s Red Mill and Portland native, passed away. While no one can ever replace Moore, the Order of the Ancient Grains must now elect a new “Bob” to continue on their milling traditions and practices as the visible head of the institution.

Esteemed Millers of the Order of the Ancient Grains came from all over the country to the Red Mill in Milwaukee, Oregon. The disciples gathered for what’s known as the Maple Conclave – a convention of leaders who must meet to elect a new Bob.

Speculation occurred on who the Order will choose to elect. Gayle Kashi emerged as a strong candidate with her skills in whole grain breakfast cereal. Albert Lundberg’s delicious rice blends made him a contender, although he competed in category with the affable and jazzy Emile Zatarain. Even Dave Dahl has regained his reputation since getting out of prison and may have been a dark horse.

The Millers were sealed into the famous Sixth-Bean Chapel in the west wing of the Red Mill. They take turns staying up all night, tending to their communal kettle of overnight oats while discussing who they believe has the qualities necessary to be worthy of being crowned the new Bob.

After day one, black smoke was seen from the chimney of the chapel, indicating that they had burned the tri-color couscous, and had not been able to align on a new leader.

On day three, a delivery was made to the Chapel. It was eggs and vanilla, meaning that someone had forgotten key ingredients and they would not be able to bake their gluten-free chocolate chip cookies in time for dessert that night – nor would a decision be made soon.

Finally, this morning a puff of white spelt was seen coming from the chimney, signifying that the Millers had come to consensus and selected a new Bob. While there can be no replacing Mr. Moore, if the elected Miller accepts the position, they will be ceremoniously ordained as Bob, Farro Supreme. After adorning the traditional red vest, bolo tie, and white tweed flat cap they will reveal themselves by opening the doors of the barley silo and addressing the eagerly awaiting crowd.