Reform Win! Portland Police Unveil New PDX Carpet Themed Uniforms

As the racial justice protests from the summer of 2020 fade into memory, the local policing reforms – or lack thereof – continues to be an issue of concern for residents of the Rose City. In a press conference Wednesday morning, Portland Police sergeant of community affairs Louis Gallagher made an announcement.⁣
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“Our local community cried out, and we listened. The police are cut from the very fabric that makes up PDX, and for that reason, our threads will now reflect that. I am hereby pleased to announce that everyone’s favorite part of Portland, the Portland Police Bureau, will now be outfitted in garb paying homage to everyone’s second favorite part of Portland, the old PDX airport carpet. You wanted police reform, and we heard you. Uniform reform is on its way.”⁣
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Gallagher went on to detail how millions of tax dollars earmarked for implicit bias, de-escalation and deferring to community service trainings were instead being spent on uniforms, riot gear and special edition cruisers emblazoned with the turquoise pattern that used to be on the ground in some PDX terminals.