Portland Man Pours Life Savings Into Guardian Games To Get Rich Quick While Still Shopping Local

As Wall Street reels from Gamestop’s meteoric rise last week, Sellwood resident Moses Garfield is betting big on anti-establishment sentiment at the local level. With a desire for cash and hatred for institutional investors coursing through his veins, he called his community credit union and sprang into action.⁣
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Garfield dumped his Bar Mitzvah money, his entire savings account, and even his collection of two-dollar bills leftover from Casa Diablo visits into stock in Southeast Portland’s own Guardian Games. “I’ve been coming here since I was a kid, buying YuGiOh and Magic The Gathering cards. The fact that I can support a beloved local business, and bankrupt the 1% all while riding the current financial waves and increasing my personal wealth, well that’s like if my Half Orc cast a divine Warlock Paladin spell causing critical melee hit point damage that is impervious to a saving throw. So yeah, that’s a good thing.”⁣
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“These short sellers are clearly just nerds with rich parents who got bullied growing up,” he proclaimed. “They’re preying on poor, unassuming businesses, shorting them in hopes that they fail. As a principled Oregonian and firm believer in supporting local businesses, I gotta stick up for David in his fight with hedge fund Goliath.”⁣
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