Area Pyromaniac Misinterprets Pioneer Square Tree Lighting

Friday night’s tree lighting ceremony at Pioneer Square drew in thousands of Portlanders who eagerly awaited the moment when Mayor Ted Wheeler would flip the switch that illuminated some 14,000 lights adorning the 75 foot Douglas Fir. That magical moment would never come, however, thanks to one man who wildly missed the entire point of the event. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Randy Hawkins was ecstatic when he saw the tree lighting event on Facebook. “I’m a pyromanic, through and through,” the 32-year-old construction worker explained from his downtown holding cell. “Don’t get me wrong, I would never burn someone else’s property without their permission. That’s arson and it’s a crime. But I thought this was clearly a community tree lighting. I snagged extra lighter fluid in case somebody forgot theirs, and even bought s’mores supplies for everyone.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Hawkins is potentially facing two counts of reckless spreading of holiday cheer, which carries a maximum penalty of eight crazy nights.