Woman Betrayed By Her Nonstick Pan

After a long, boring workday, Johns Landing resident Patricia Salvator decided to treat herself by cooking Alison Roman’s latest salmon recipe for dinner. She bought the finest fish New Seasons had to offer, prepared her mise en place, instructed Alexa to play Father John Misty radio, and fired up the stove.⁣
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Things started off smoothly, but Salvator’s culinary catharsis was ill-fated. The salmon, mere moments ago happily frolicking in a sea of garlicky olive oil, had suddenly completely fused itself to her pan.⁣
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“What the mother fuck!” Salvator exclaimed. “I certainly did not select my ‘stick’ pan for this task. What do I do now?” She grew increasingly irate as she turned the pan upside down and her long-awaited dinner passed the Dairy Queen Blizzard test with flying colors. “When you buy a nonstick pan you enter into a nonverbal agreement. It’s totally not cool for my pan to renege on it.”⁣
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Salvator tried every wood, nylon and silicone utensil in her kitchen to no avail. When asked why she wouldn’t try a metal spatula, she replied that “you can’t use metal! It could damage the nonstick coating.“⁣