Bored, Attention Starved Grinch Announces Plans To Steal Valentine’s Day

In an early Friday morning press conference, North Who-Ville’s most infamous curmudgeon has shocked the nation’s romantics by announcing plans to steal Valentine’s Day.⁣
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“Look I’m not going to sugarcoat it – nobody is paying any attention to me and I’m bored,” The Grinch complained. “I only really have a job one night out of the year and it’s always the same.” The corners of his mouth turned up into a diabolical grin. “This year I’m shaking things up. The Whos down in Whoville are used to being tormented by me, but this year I’m coming for the Wills down in Wilsonville.“⁣
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The Scallion’s chief romance correspondent Sigfried Q. Beauregard III attended the press conference and noted an alarming level of detail in the scheduled holiday theft. “Phase One of The Grinch’s plan appears to target new couples,” he explained. “Expect widespread password changes to all streaming services. The motive is clear – disappointment for anyone hoping for a night of Netflix and chill.”
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The Grinch, ever the equal missed opportunity advocate, would have been remiss to end there. “People in long-term relationships are the target of Phase Two,” warned Beauregard. “The Grinch actually partnered with Facebook on this one. You know those ‘here’s a random thing from eight years ago’ posts that always pop up at the top of your feed? Targets of Phase Two can expect the single steamiest picture they took with their ex to be on full display, at the exact moment your partner can see it.“⁣
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Perhaps most surprisingly, America’s single population will not be getting a pass either. “The Grinch is aware of the surging popularity of ‘Galentine’ parties and other such get-togethers, and is having none of it. He’s actually launched a really sophisticated campaign to salvage single folks’ most recent relationships – but that’s not the craziest part. Once they’re back together, he funnels them back into Phase One.“⁣