Furloughed Bartender Just Grateful That Lockdown Means No SantaCon

2020 has been a trying year for Portland’s service industry workforce. COVID restrictions have shuttered bars across the state, and Federal unemployment insurance is set to expire at the end of the month. And yet, every cloud has a silver lining.⁣
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“It really sucks to lose my livelihood because people keep flouting basic restrictions,” says furloughed Kell’s bartender Madison DeVore. “But hey, at least we don’t have to deal with those fucking SantaCon douchebags.“⁣
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In a normal year, the weekend before Christmas means droves of twenty and thirty-somethings dressed as Santa Claus descending on Old Town. Participants would use their matching costumes as a protective shield to disrespect establishments, their fellow human beings and themselves.⁣
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“Some people dream of a White Christmas,” said Valentine’s bartender Brielle Laurence. “I have nightmares of it. Just an absolute onslaught of drunk white frat dudes making a mess of things. Broken glass everywhere. Bathrooms destroyed. The worst part would be having to deliver tray after tray of Jägerbombs to ‘the group in the Santa hats.’ Literally, who? All 200 people at our 100 person capacity bar were wearing Santa hats.“⁣
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When asked for the North Pole’s stance on SantaCon, North Pole press secretary Alabaster Snowball shared a Venn diagram. “This first circle represents Santa’s naughty list. And see this second circle, the one that’s entirely inside the first circle? That represents anyone who has ever attended SantaCon.“⁣