“Canceled? Oh No!” Says Secretly Relieved Man Who Neglected To Train For Shamrock Run

COVID-19 is officially a pandemic. Oregon Governor Kate Brown issued a state of emergency on Wednesday evening, issuing a ban on gatherings of more than 250 people as part of the containment strategy. Portland’s Shamrock Run, set to be held this Sunday, draws crowds in the tens of thousands. Event organizers issued a statement Thursday morning acknowledging the ban and made the decision to postpone the event indefinitely.⁣⁣
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“Canceled? Oh heavens, no!” exclaimed local procrastinator Jeff Lundquist loudly, while an entire chorus of voices inside his head sang “Hallelujah”. Lundquist, who was registered for the 15k but had only gone on a single two mile jog back in February, immediately texted his cardio accountability group chat, lamenting that all of his interval training and dynamic stretching was for naught. “Wow just confirmed it’s not happening,” he texted. “Damn shame.“⁣⁣
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Lundquist went on to commend the race organizers and Governor Brown for making such a difficult, yet important decision. “I was really excited to run – and maybe even medal – but think this is for the best. We’re dealing with a pandemic and it would be wildly irresponsible, even dangerous, to not postpone it until this all calms down. ⁣
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Lundquist announced through mouthfuls of Cheetos that he “absolutely, positively, for reals” plans to maintain a stringent training regimen just as soon as the race is rescheduled.⁣⁣