Governor Brown Issues Mandatory Hotbox In Place Order For 4/20

For years, marijuana enthusiasts have been gearing up for the highest of high holidays: 4/20 in April of 2020. Now that day has finally come, albeit with a curvebowl that nobody could have predicted.⁣
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At 4:20 Monday morning, Governor Kate Brown called an emergency press conference in which she issued a mandatory hotbox in place order, effective until midnight. “I know everyone is eager to choom that boom boom,” Brown declared between puffs of a fatty she’d rolled in a display of solidarity with the cannabis community. “But as thoughtful Oregonians, we must pass the Dutchie to the left responsibly.“⁣
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As expected, reactions to Brown’s order were mixed. Many took it in stride, and got creative with their holiday planning. Reports have come out that many apartment dwellers plan to gather at their respective balconies and spark up at exactly 4:20. “My friends and I are going to hotbox the shit out of a Zoom meeting after work,” announced 31-year-old project manager Aisha Wilcox.⁣
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A vocal minority isn’t convinced. “Brown isn’t the governor of green,” complained local stoner Nick Suggs. “This is the biggest bummer of the century! Single-use spliffs just don’t crush as hard. And think of the small businesses! Take music stores like Rhythm Traders for example. They’re missing out on business from drum circles who now can’t take necessary percussions.“⁣
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In a follow up memo released just before press time, Brown’s office issued the following statement. “Under normal circumstances, our marijuana policy essentially boils down to “don’t be a snitch.” However, these are not normal times, and if you see anyone violating social distancing guidelines we encourage you to rat them out.“⁣