Fed Withdrawal Marks Return To Fresh, Locally Sourced Police Brutality

After nearly a month of intimidation and violence, federal troops are reportedly on their way out of Portland. Their role will be largely transferred to state troopers, in an operation dubbed ‘Think Global, Beat Local.’
⁣
Federal agents had flown in from all across the country, creating a large carbon footprint with long, inefficient plane rides. Eco-conscious Portlanders breathed a labored, agonizingly spicy sigh of relief upon learning that going forward, troops attacking them with CS gas and impact munitions would be sourced from Oregon and primarily the Willamette Valley. Even the pepper spray will be made from 100% organic Oregon grown peppers.⁣
⁣
“We were reluctant to cede control,” admitted acting Department of Homeland Security secretary Chad Wolf. “But we’re hopeful that state troopers will police the good, law-abiding citizens of Portland with the same level of brutality that they’ve come to expect from us.”