“Protests Have Turned Portland Into An Apocalyptic Hellscape,” Reports Fox News Correspondent Unaware He’s In Vancouver

Portlanders took to the streets for the 68th consecutive day Monday to protest racism and police brutality, which has continued in spite of a reduced federal presence in the streets. Fox News sent correspondent Leland Vittert on a fair and balanced fact-finding mission.⁣
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“I’m standing in the flaming garbage heap that used to be Portland, Oregon,” reported Vittert, mistakenly standing nine miles further north than intended. He gestured to downtown Vancouver’s historic Kiggins Theater, which, like most cinemas, shuttered its doors as a result of COVID-19. “Look what the protests have done – the venerable Justice Center has been reduced to selling snacks and candy to-go just to keep its lights on.“⁣
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A member of Vittert’s crew who wished to remain anonymous informed us that Fox News was looking for a story that cast Oregon Governor Kate Brown in a negative light, following her largely successful negotiations with DHS last week. Vittert happily obliged. ⁣
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“This once thriving metropolis has collapsed following Governor Brown’s socialist and tyrannical 6.5% sales taxation without representation. She has declared Sharia Law on Oregonians, forcing them to wear masks and allowing them to rail against the police who, as we all know, obviously always use the correct amount of force. As we speak, rioters are closing in on Portland suburbs like Camas and Woodland with a liberal thirst for blood.“⁣
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Vancouver Mayor Anne McEnerny-Ogle retweeted the report and was rewarded with record breaking engagement from her constituents, most of whom used the national exposure to raise awareness of their various MLM businesses.⁣