COACH BILLUPS ARRESTED BY FBI! Portlanders Prepare For Another Emergency Naked Bike Ride

Portland Trail Blazers head coach Chauncey Billups was arrested on federal charges by the FBI on Thursday morning as a part of a sweeping illegal gambling sting. Fans’ reactions ran the gamut from surprise to fury to jubilation. Some community leaders leapt into action – the organizers of the Portland World Naked Bike Ride announced a second emergency ride in as many weeks in response to the FBI’s action.

“There aren’t many political events or happenings in general that don’t call for a naked bike ride,” declared Mandy Dickau, one of the event’s organizers. “Insurrection? Naked bike ride. Federal troop deployment to American cities? Naked bike ride. Concert tickets include too many junk fees? Naked bike ride. Now that the Blazers are sans head coach, we need our city’s beautiful and voluptuous bodies out in force once again!”

The ride is set to begin with a rally at Tom McCall Waterfront Park. It will snake through the South waterfront past the ICE facility before looping back across Tilikum Crossing, up MLK Boulevard, and ending at the Mona Center. Event organizers encourage participants to grease up their chains and to wear shoes and a helmet.