Heartbreaking! Insufferable Neighbor With Chicken Coop Now Cheapest Source Of Eggs

Avian influenza has led to egg shortages and record prices across the country. On average this week, egg prices soared to $8 a dozen, up from $2.25 last fall. While some Portlanders are taking out loans to fill their cartons, others have turned to a previously unthinkable hyper-local source. ⁣
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“This factory farmed egg shortage has caused many of my neighbors and acquaintances to come out of the woodwork,” proclaimed insufferable Sellwood asshole and self-proclaimed wellness professional slash professor of tantric micronutrient aquaponics, Bernard Conforti. “I’m looking forward to sharing with them my plethora of eggs, but more importantly, sharing my views on measles, raw milk, and trans athletes.”⁣
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The City of Portland states that within the city limits “Up to four chickens, ducks, pigeons and/or other similarly sized domestic fowl may be kept on any lot.” While it is not tenable for all Portlanders to keep urban chickens, it seems that everyone knows at least one person with a coop. ⁣
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Conforti’s neighbor Precious Coughlin laid out her decision making process. “Listen, will he invite us to his weekly rooster yoga class, spew some BS about fluoride in the water and make my wife super uncomfortable with his staring? Of course. But at the end of the day putting up with all that is worth it if I can get his home-laid eggs for $5 a dozen.”