Dry, Underseasoned Thanksgiving Dinner Begins With Bland Acknowledgement

Today, millions of families around the nation gather to celebrate Thanksgiving, each with their own sets of traditions and customs. At the Anderson household in Irvington, Janice Anderson leads her husband, children, grandson, nieces and nephews in a moment of gratitude towards their meal and all that came before it.

“Indigenous people have inhabited this land for over 11,000 years, harvesting the plentiful natural resources and forging communities to live in harmony with the vibrant location that we settlers and guests on this land have taken and continue to systematically take from them,” Anderson acknowledged, as her family nodded solemnly.

“We would also like to recognize our recent ancestors,” she continued, “who for most of their history did not harness the power of spices such as salt and paprika. Who even when they eventually possessed them, kowtowed to their zest and taste-enhancing powers. We acknowledge the fact that our forefathers and foremothers cooked their meat well past juicy completeness to a point of dryness that caused it to become stringy and, if we’re recognizing our family history honestly, chalky. Finally we honor those that came before us by saying that black pepper is “too spicy for the kids” when in our hearts we truly mean that it is too spicy for us.”