Alitos Praise Oaks Park For Hanging Riders Upside Down

Sellwood’s Oaks Park has been offering affordable family fun since 1905 and is among the oldest continually operating amusement parks in America. Last Friday the AtmosFEAR ride malfunctioned, leaving over 28 riders stranded 50 feet in the air, suspended upside down for over a half hour until first responders were able to lower them down.

The incident prompted global media attention. Most who heard about it expressed solidarity with the riders and called for an investigation so that something like this would never happen again. However, a prominent national political family had opposing thoughts.

“It takes courage to stand up to the lefty nutjobs trying to ruin our Christian nation,” said United States Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito and his wife Martha-Ann in a joint press release. “We applaud Oaks Park and their ride conductors on not standing idly by with everything that is going on in the liberal hellscape that is Portland and furthermore this entire country. Flying the ride and its 28 antifa guests upside down will serve as a call to arms for true patriots to rise up against the global elites, abortionists, miscegenationists, marxists, LGBTQs, and of course, the deep state. Our only regret is that they didn’t stick to their guns for longer. We flew a stop the steal flag at our vacation home in New Jersey for over three months!”

The park said in a statement that none of the riders were hurt, while one was taken to the hospital due to a pre-existing condition and then released later that day. They offered the affected riders a month-long pass to come back and ride as many rides as they want, including the AtmosFEAR once it reopens.