Brewery Invents New Type of IPA That Doesn’t Give People Over 30 Explosive Diarrhea

The world of beer is ever evolving. Breweries constantly develop new styles and flavors in an effort to meet the needs of consumers. India Pale Ales are a particularly beloved style in the Pacific Northwest, and it’s not uncommon to see them dominate the shelves of supermarket coolers. Now, one brewery has potentially revolutionized the game. Their new IPA allows people over the age of 30 to drink without immediately getting explosive diarrhea.⁣
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“The industry has long been aware of this dilemma,” said head brewer Abigail Powers. “It’s a proven fact that most drinkers over 30 shit their pants after drinking IPAs, and that’s a massive swath of our customer base. We just haven’t had the technology to solve it.”⁣
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Now, after years of research and millions of dollars of funding, the youth may no longer possess the only bowels capable of withstanding the hoppiest of ales. “We can’t legally divulge too much about our process,” said Chaz Kelly, associate professor of fermentation microbiology at Oregon State University. “The hops, the yeast, the grains, even the water had to be completely reimagined at the genetic level in order to remove the enzymes responsible for fully grown adults who have had one IPA desperately waddle-sprinting to the nearest bathroom.”