Report: Guy In Loud Car Fuckin’ Tight!

In a city full of modest Priuses, unassuming Subarus and the occasional whisper-quiet Tesla, distinctly hearing a car make its presence felt is often but a dream. On Sunday evening, Southwest Broadway Drive, which hadn’t heard a honk since the fall of 2021, was filled with the most awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping cacophony. ⁣⁣
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The vrooms of the engine and pop-pop-pops of the exhaust rang through the streets of downtown Portland, uniting people from all walks of life with intrigue and wonder. ⁣⁣
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Forest Heights resident Sonja Quickley was nearly moved to tears as she walked away from the farmer’s market. “Simply masterful. A triumph. I literally just saw the Oregon Symphony at The Schnitzer and their aural stylings pale in comparison to this motorist.“⁣⁣
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“Take me! Take me now,” exclaimed PSU senior Helen Mastrud. “My prayers have been answered. Whoever is responsible for driving the loud automobile, my heart is yours to do with what you please.“⁣⁣
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As the thundering chariot roared to a stop at the light on SW Salmon, a group of people gathered on the sidewalk who did not know each other suddenly felt the ear splitting spirit come over them. They all screamed out in unison: “That guy is fuckin’ tight.“⁣⁣