THE PORTLAND PAPERS
A monthslong investigation has exposed shocking new details about Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler. Here are nine of the most explosive revelations:
- Ted Wheeler considered growing dreadlocks during the summer of protests.
- Ted Wheeler moonlights as the sleep paralysis demon.
- Ted Wheeler’s celebrity crush is Kyrsten Sinema
- Ted Wheeler still plays Yu-Gi-Oh!
- Ted Wheeler puts olive oil in his pasta water.
- Ted Wheeler assured key donors that supply chain issues would not hamper the supply of sticks up his ass.
- Ted Wheeler chants “cha-cha-cha!” when singing Happy Birthday
- Ted Wheeler has but one question for the city of Portland: “Does anyone have a Brazzers password I could borrow?”
- Ted Wheeler is hopeful that he’s been running Portland well enough to qualify for the Boston mayoral race.