McMenamins Crystal Ballroom will undergo renovations in the coming weeks. The historic venue, famous for its bouncy floor and extravagant chandeliers, has announced a major expansion to its center runway that divides the all ages and 21+ sections.
“We’ve heard your feedback over the years loud and clear,” assured venue manager Steph Lansing. “For example, when it came to our attention that the venue’s acoustics are incomprehensibly bad, we swiftly began offering disposable ear plugs, so concertgoers could happily stifle the banshee-like screeches emitted by our piss-poor sound system.”
Lansing continued that while they have no plans to improve their sound, they did take to heart the single most requested improvement to the venue.
“Far and away, we get the most complaints from disgruntled attendees who get packed into the 21 and up section like sardines, despite the massive center runway and the sparsely populated all ages section. And to that point, we have some great news! Starting in early 2022, the center walkway will triple in size, giving the 21+ section an even more intimate vibe that we know our attendees love. It’s part of the pledge we took along with the Roseland to ensure that no mid-sized venue in Portland shall meet music fans’ needs.”
“The barriers should just be removed altogether,” suggested local pragmatist Addison Campbell. “Everyone knows that underage kids come prepared by doing drugs and/or drinking way too much before they arrive. They’d never ask an adult to buy them a twelve dollar beer. On the flip side, shrinking the 21+ section might actually be a smart move by McMenamins. It would mean fewer folks have the traumatic experience of having to drink the swill they try to pass off as beer.”