“How About A Fresh Start?” Suggests Ted Wheeler, Pointing To His New Bangs
Big changes are coming to City Hall this summer, according to a press release early Thursday morning from Mayor Ted Wheeler’s office.
“After years of unrelenting criticism from Portland residents, Mayor Wheeler got down to brass tacks to really discover where the hatred was coming from. After going through this important personal journey he wants Portlanders to know that he’s ready for a fresh start – if they are.”
The enigmatic statement quickly became clear when the newly banged mayor spoke to reporters. “The key to pulling off bangs is similar to successful leadership – unbridled self confidence,” explained Wheeler. “After summiting Mt. Everest, I realized that I could do anything in the world, including the equally challenging feat of looking absolutely fabulous with bangs. This new me represents a commitment to Portland. I’m ready to wipe the slate clean and put all of our disagreements behind us.”
“The Mayor has been spending the majority of his second term grappling with a challenging decision that many people have had to deal with throughout history – whether or not to get bangs,” elaborated Wheeler’s Chief of Staff Bobby Lee after Wheeler finished speaking. “To us, his bangs represent a much-needed reset button. Let’s forget about his handling of the protests. Let’s move on from the ongoing houselessness crisis. Let’s drop it with his reluctance to reduce the PPB budget. We think that the good people of Portland will be really happy about the new direction he’s taking his hair.”
A Gallup poll of the Mayor’s bold new direction received an overwhelming response of “Go fuck yourself forever, Ted” from nearly all of Portland’s 662,000 residents. Former Commissioner Chloe Eudaly was particularly vocal in her criticism, tweeting, “Ted clearly got his idea to get bangs from the time we spent together on City Council. If he knew what he was doing he would buy some dry shampoo to mop up that nasty bang grease. Shit haircut for a shit mayor!”