Ranking Portland’s Bridges From Least To Most Fuckable

May 14, 2021

For as long as Portland has had bridges, its residents have debated how fuckable they are. The Scallion is never one to shy away from hot-button topics, so we’re setting the record straight. Without further ado, we present to you the definitive ranking of bridge fuckability.

12. Ross Island Bridge

This precarious death trap truly puts the “can’t” back in cantilever truss bridge. Not even a new paint job can save it from last place. No troll lives under this bridge – it is the troll. Still, fuck it while you can because it’ll turn into a pile of unfuckable rubble once the earthquake hits.

Fuckability Score: 9/10

11. Burlington Northern Railroad Bridge 5.1

People often forget that BNSF 5.1 even exists. But take just one ride on its vertical lift and you’ll never forget it again. The vibration. The steaminess. The rumbl–wait is that a train coming?

Fuckability Score: 9.2/10

10. Broadway Bridge

If you have a thing for sexy redheads you could do worse than Broadway – the bascule totally matches the truss. However – and this made its rank plummet – it has chlamydia.

Fuckability Score: 9.7/10

9. Sellwood Bridge

Omg, transformation alert! This bridge used to be just one tiny seismic event away from total collapse but after working out all summer in 2017 it went from unsafe to downright snatched.

Fuckability Score: 10/10

8. Tilikum Crossing

This bridge is sexy AF but selfish in the bedroom. It would be nice to have some TilWEkum every once in a while.

Fuckability Score: 10.3/10

7. Marquam Bridge

We’re just going to go right out and say it – the Marquam gets a LOT of traffic. It might not be the most picturesque, but its epic views have wooed many and its top and bottom availability will keep you coming back for more.

Fuckability Grade: 11/10

6. Hawthorne Bridge

This ethically non-monogamous bridge features metal grates that are ribbed for your pleasure. It will sleep with others but is still nice about it and will satisfy you without making you feel used.

Fuckability Grade: 11.5/10

5. Burnside Bridge

This certifiable BILF loves to be the center of attention. It has drawn the eye of many a sailor passing through, and frequently is asked, “u up?”

Fuckability Grade: 11.9/10

4. Steel Bridge

This creaky, freaky bridge really takes a while to get it up, but it’s long and strong and you can always count on it to take you to the Blazers game afterwards.

Fuckability Grade: 12/10

3. Fremont Bridge

This bridge presents as open and available but then sends you mixed signals that make you feel lost, helpless, and somehow going the opposite direction. Plus it’s still weirdly close with its ex from Vancouver. And yet, it makes the top three because it’s just so undeniably sexy.

Fuckability Grade: 13/10

2. St. Johns Bridge

No surprises here. This hipster hotty is fashionably sexy, yet approachable and loving. It has a great 35mm Instagram account and a vintage motorcycle. While the schlep will have you questioning whether it’s worth it, one glance up at its tantalizing towers will leave you wanting to smoke this bridge down to the filter.

Fuckability Grade: 14/10

1. Morrison Bridge

Umm, thirst trap! This double-leaf Chicago-style bascule will undoubtedly tease you for hours and make you late to work. Its perky towers, ever-changing mood lighting and generous freeway access makes it Portland’s most fuckable bridge.

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