Portland Drivers Practice Careening Off Dry Roads In Preparation For Upcoming Snowstorm

Forecasts predict several inches of snowfall over the next several days, and that means Portlanders are frantically preparing for this year’s snowpocalypse. The city is notorious for its inability to keep the roads clear of snow and ice, and its residents are generally known to completely forget even their most basic driving skills when tested with winter conditions. Therefore, many are using this final day of dry roads to practice their swerving, skidding, and flipping skills.⁣
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“I got up early to do a couple dry runs of sliding uncontrollably down Burnside,” said 36-year-old Bethany McGee. “Turns out I wasn’t the only one with that idea. There were cars crashed, flipped, and abandoned all over.” McGee surveyed the scene. “Man, the pandemic is truly no match for the pandemonium that the word ‘snow’ causes in this town.⁣
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Even those without a car are doing their homework. Drew Nguyen bought his first house last month and declared himself ready for any necessary de-icing. “I’m sparing no expense. Like I’d sully my beautiful driveway with those awful bags of salt, full of chemicals. No way! I went to Jacobsen and bought as much flaky finishing salt as I could afford. This guy’s driveway is seasoned for the season.”