“I Was Pepper Sprayed By Ted Wheeler!” Proclaim Thousands Of Portlanders Rising As One

Portlanders awoke Monday to news that a person was pepper sprayed in the face by mayor Ted Wheeler. ⁣
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The Portland Police Bureau investigated the matter, utilizing their own experience in deploying chemical irritants on private citizens. In their search for the sprayee, the department asked the public to step forth if they had any information about a person who had experienced the use of crowd control chemicals or impact munitions at the hands of a member or commissioner of the PPD.⁣
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To their surprise, they received more than 30,000 firsthand accounts of citizens who fit their description. Unable to process all of the accounts and in awe that their presence had touched the lives and lungs of so many people, PPD Sergeant Jamie Eiden issued a statement. “You don’t really realize it in the moment, but protesters supporting Black lives, the Wall of Moms, folks just minding their own business… I guess at the end of the day it all adds up to a substantial amount of people.“⁣
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Ultimately, the investigation came to a close on Tuesday as it became clear that Southwest Portland lawyer and heir to Alpenrose Dairy, Cary Cadonau, was the man who confronted Wheeler and received the mayoral face peppering.